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19

I learned and incredible amount about Horizon and our engine (Foundation) while writing this up. If you’re interested in peeking under the hood of Tomb Raider, take a look!

tombraider:

[GDC RECAP] Horizon and Beyond: A Look into Tomb Raider’s Tools

Now that Tomb Raider is on the market, we’re eager to show fans some of the impressive technology under the hood. A handful of Crystal Dynamics’ staffers recently attended the annual Game Developer’s Conference in San Francisco, presenting on Tomb Raider’s system design, tools, camera, and more. I’ve culled down their presentation into a slightly more digestible format to give you some insider information on making the game!

Next up to bat is Jason Yao, our Senior Tools Software Engineer/Dessert Chef Hobbyist speaking to Tomb Raider’s toolsets.

Having the right tool for the job is important to all crafts, and game design is no exception. As Jason puts it – “You need AAA tools and tech to make a AAA game.” That’s where Horizon comes in.

What’s Horizon? Horizon is the world builder that functions within Foundation, the Crystal Engine. Horizon’s specialty is building large worlds that support efficient art and design workflow, modular construction, multi-user and real-time editing. Essentially, Horizon allows the team to build the most complex and largest levels achieved yet at Crystal Dynamics.

Development on Horizon began about four years ago, with a team of seven committed to the project. The focus was to create a world and object editor with familiar features to other 3D editors, allowing for increased productivity and quick iteration. The tool upgrade was necessary as the previous level editor proved to be a bit outdated for our ambitious Tomb Raider reboot, and certainly harder to use.

While there are dozens of features and talking points the engine team would gladly dive into, Jason broke down the top five boasting points for Horizon below. You can see the tools in action above for a clearer understanding of how they have been implemented.

1) Placement Tools: Placement tools are exactly what they sound like – a set of tools that allow you to put items into an environment like mountains, hills, ammo, buildings, and wildlife. You can scale, translate, and rotate them in a digital world. The tools in Horizon have a higher level of polish and responsiveness – a really important factor that keep artists and designers happy. Affinity and ease of use yields better work and faster iteration. In the video above you can see Jason using the placement tools in one of the earlier playable section of the game – the Ocean Vista. Jason selects a cherry tree from the placement browser and proceeds to translate, rotate, and scale it until he’s satisfied. He also illustrates how you can snap objects to a predetermined grid, line, or vertex, as well conform placement to a surface. Different visualization modes, such as wireframe or shaded, also aid with seeing where to place objects.

2) Concurrent Editing: Concurrent editing is another big win for Horizon, allowing one or many, many people to work on the same level at the same time. While our previous world-editing tool allowed for some simultaneous authoring, it was not granular enough. Horizon allows users to “slice” up a level so that each slice can then be claimed by a designer or artist. When they are done, they submit their slice changes for everyone to see. Boundaries for slices aren’t determined only by geography – although you can choose to do so if desired. A slice can be part of a cliff, an entire building structure, or even all of the lighting effects in a given area. This is why Horizon is so powerful, because it gives significant flexibility in what a designer or artist can check out and work on. Previously areas had to be checked out by discipline or workflow – meaning one artist, one editor, and one scripter could work at a time.

3) Modular Construction: To understand this perk of Horizon, we’ve got to define modular versus monolithic workflows.

Monolithic Workflow: This workflow approach facilitates constructing environments in layers and was used across the Legend, Anniversary, and Underworld trilogy. A unique environment will be created and populated, and then refined through several polishing passes. This is slower because fewer people can have their hands in a space at a time. 

Modular Workflow: A modular workflow is quicker because it builds environments in parts, similar to constructing with Lego blocks. Instead of creating a singular building, the designer will now select from a “Lego block” library of floors, walls, doors, and fixtures to quickly and modularly make a new structure. This also allows for faster iteration and more people to work in a singular area at once.

The team switched from monolithic construction to modular construction for Tomb Raider, as they needed to build more pieces in less time. Taking the modular approach gave the designers a library of pieces and parts to choose and reuse from whenever they needed to populate a new space. This allowed for the largest environments ever achieved at Crystal, and facilitated easy duplicating, swapping and variant creation for objects. This approach does run a risk of looking less organic due to reusing assets, but the art and design teams were very conscious of this challenge and worked to ensure everything felt unique.

4) Visual Scripting: Visual scripting was a popular and totally new addition to the game engine. It is called Action Graph. Prior to implementing Action Graph, designers would type out scripts for triggering actions or controlling enemy behavior. Action Graph allows for a more intuitive and visual system similar to flow charts, although it still can get quite complex. Designers naturally gravitate to it because it’s easier to prototype and orchestrate happenings in the game world, such as controlling waves of enemies to triggering cinematic events. You can see a bit of the visual scripting via action graph around the 2:50 mark of the video above.

5) Live Edit: Last, but certainly not least is Horizon’s ability to live edit. Essentially, live editing gives users the ability to modify something and immediately see the effects in game. This feature existed in our previous world-building tool, but the upgrade in Horizon provides much more versatility. One of the perks of live edit is iterating and seeing your changes in the game right away. You can move mesh, lights, tune physics, and adjust the damage on weapons before fully committing to it. You can see an example of this in the video above as Jason plays around with physics between a pair of helicopters by dropping in boxes between the rotary blades. As boxes are added to the field, Jason can see in real time how they’d react in the game.

A top five list certainly doesn’t do Horizon and Foundation’s successes and scope justice, but it gives a good taste of some of the AAA tools and engine we’ve got at work in the studio.

Did you miss our other GDC recaps? Senior Systems Designer Jonathan Hamel talked about Emotional Synchronization in Tomb Raider, while Senior Rendering Engineer Jason Lacroix debuted a pair of panels talking to TressFX and Light-Based Rendering. Keep an eye out for a discussion on Tomb Raider’s dynamic camera next week!

Reblogged from tombraider

Apr
12

I know I’ve been posting some massively text-heavy blogs lately, but this is too fascinating not to share. I’ve been writing up some of the team’s GDC presentations in a slightly more digestible format. This one talks to “emotional synchronization” in gaming, and how when narrative design and gameplay systems align, it makes the player experience more meaningful.

I think TR fans and general gamers will find it interesting!

tombraider:

[GDC RECAP] Emotional Synchronization and the Croft of Systems Design

Now that Tomb Raider is out and about, we’re eager to show fans some of the impressive technology under the game’s hood. A handful of Crystal Dynamics’ staffers recently attended the annual Game Developer’s Conference in San Francisco, presenting on Tomb Raider’s system design, tools, camera, and more. I’ve culled down their presentations into a slightly more digestible format to give you some insider information on making the game!

If you missed our first two features, check out Jason Lacroix’s talk on TressFX and light-based rendering. Next up to bat is Jonathan Hamel, our Senior Systems Designer and part-time children’s book writer, speaking to systems design and emotional synchronization in Tomb Raider.

So what is emotional synchronization? In Tomb Raider, emotional synchronization was used as a benchmark to measure if narrative design and gameplay systems aligned, making the player experience more meaningful as a result.

It was decided very early on that Tomb Raider would be built upon three gameplay pillars in the “Survival Action” genre. Those three pillars are:

  • A smart and resourceful protagonist: Lara Croft
  • A fluid, dynamic traversal and exploration system
  • Desperate, brutal combat 

Each of the above is comprised of a diverse roster of gameplay systems used to support the overall experience. For example, combat encompasses ranged, melee, and stealth systems, as well as a fluid cover and weapon upgrades. All of these systems had to work in tandem to present a believable experience featuring a young woman evolving from a rookie to a seasoned adventurer. To achieve this, the systems had to hold a greater purpose – to be bigger than the sum of their parts. Jonathan’s job was to make these systems meaningful in the greater context of the game.

As development on Tomb Raider progressed, Jonathan and the team discovered something interesting. When the player’s emotional state reflected that of Lara’s perceived emotional state (thus, achieving emotional synchronization), playtesters felt they were taking part in a meaningful journey rather than playing around with a collection of features. Simply put, when Lara and the player’s emotional states overlapped, it made for a better game.

As with most entertainment, emotion emerges as a result of narrative. In linear media such as books or movies, however, we’re passive to unfolding events. Game narratives have the bonus layer of interactivity, presenting an extra challenge when it comes to synchronizing feelings between the character and the player. The gameplay mechanics will either support the narrative and enhance the experience, or jar you out of it. If the player felt out of step with Lara, the bubble would burst and the meaningfulness of her journey would crumble. This truth had a dramatic impact on the systems design in Tomb Raider. How exactly? Jonathan’s presentation provided several potent examples.

COMBAT: FLUID COVER
First up, combat. Early in development Tomb Raider didn’t have a cover system. It didn’t fit with the personality of past Tomb Raider games, and at that point combat was thought to be mostly ranged versus melee, similar to Resident Evil or Dead Space. As the game evolved, however, the team found that the players would simply retreat through the environment to shoot, and subsequently felt detached from the environment rather than a part of it. Combined with the early concepts for enemies, the tone was too far away from survival action. It felt more like survival horror – not what the team wanted.

As the game evolved, enemy design settled on humans in the form of Solarii cultists, and having (relatively) sane humans rushing an armed player for melee attacks didn’t make sense. Human antagonists also necessitated more intelligence from enemies, including fine-tuning squad behavior, self-preservation systems, and so on. Left as is, combat felt like a shooting gallery. Lara wouldn’t just hang back and pop off headshots. She’d be fast and nimble. She’d run and jump and use her traversal training to avoid enemies.

With enemies taking cover, it made sense for Lara to do the same. A sticky cover system like in Gears of War didn’t feel right for Lara. She needed a tactical advantage to make up for her smaller size. Lara’s strength is in her agility. As such, the fluid cover system was born. If Lara is near cover and enemies are present, she’ll use it. The scramble became a defensive move to quickly get from point to point of cover.

In the early stages of combat design, the player felt disconnected from Lara and the world. Eventually both the fiction and gameplay pushed towards a ranged player versus ranged enemy combat styling, resulting in the development of a fluid cover mechanic that aided in overall emotional synchronization of the player.

COMBAT: MELEE
With all this talk about ranged combat, why introduce melee at all? Jonathan says the team actually resisted melee for a long time. Melee is especially tricky because if it’s overpowered in a ranged game it will break the experience. The team recognized that in a game featuring visceral survival elements, melee was thematically important and a way to recover from running out of ammo. As such, the decision was made to include melee, but the exact implementation was up in the air. The team tested shoving enemies back to shooting range, contextual-only melee moves, and even an underpowered system with purchasable upgrades.

Time and time again, playtesters kept their focus on an important piece of Lara’s equipment. They wanted the ability to use Lara’s axe against foes, and it seemed rational that she’d use it as a defensive tool. The challenge became straddling the line between melee feeling too violent, or too heroic, and as a result breaking synchronization. Stealth kills and dodging to open windows of vulnerability helped maintain a scrappy and resourceful feel to melee combat.

The implementation of ranged combat, melee combat, and the fluid cover system resonated with playtesters. They felt like Lara, desperately using all their skills to escape a situation by the skin of their teeth. Whereas one dominant combat strategy would have broken the bubble of emotional synchronization, the dynamic pacing resulting from alternating between cover-based ranged combat and melee combat actually fortified it.

SMART RESOURCEFUL LARA: GEAR-BASED INTERACTIONS
Next up, the brains of the game – a smart and resourceful Lara Croft. The most interesting synchronization stories center on survival skills, salvage, and gear-based interactions on Yamatai.

During the concept phase of Tomb Raider, Jonathan immersed himself in survival fiction and non-fiction, including Gary Paulson’s children’s novel, Hatchet. The tale stressed a person’s dependence on tools when stranded in the wild. The team was sold on the idea of a climbing axe being used to gate traversal, as it wouldn’t feel right for an inexperienced Lara Croft to jam her fingers and toes into tiny cracks like in past games. Jonathan proposed that an upgrade ramp would help the player feel that Lara was investing in and dependent on similar gear items.

In terms of the application, somatic mimesis was key – creating a digital interaction that feels like a real world counterpart through the game’s controls. Prying and cranking replicated this by mashing buttons to simulate the effort needed to open a container. The same was true for igniting objects. Holding down a button for a set period of time would see an object smolder, then emit smoke, and then eventually ignite. If the player stopped applying heat, the object would naturally cool off.

Some ideas of somatic mimesis didn’t make the cut, though, such as experimentation with using the sticks to emulate Lara feeling a fallen enemy’s clothing for ammo. In Jonathan’s own words “it was a terrible idea.”

SMART RESOURCEFUL LARA: SURVIVAL SKILLS & SALVAGE
Jonathan next explained that survival skills via a light RPG system was a clear way to mirror the narrative of a young woman unlocking her full potential. That being said, fine-tuning the unlocks was important to keeping the action adventure pacing, rather than turning into a full-blown RPG. The skills also had to offer sufficient enough choice to allow the player to express their individual play style. At first 20-30 skills were created and divvied up in three pillars: resourcefulness, traversal, and combat. This approach didn’t work. Traversal upgrades essentially broke the game by making it difficult for the player to quickly evaluate successful jumping distances. The biggest challenge, though, was once again emotional synchronization – there was a disconnect if Lara could stab a guy in the throat one moment, and then revert to being an unsure young woman the next narrative moment.

To combat this a skill gating system was set up to prevent players from buying specific abilities until Lara was ready for them. The system required the player to purchase enough skills at a specific level to unlock the next tier. This option gave the player choice, while keeping Lara from becoming too tough, too soon. Overall the team built around 35 skills, but only 24 made it in the game. Some seemed gratuitous for even a hardened Lara. Others we merged into a single skill so that there wouldn’t be too much difference between the more and less valuable-feeling skills.

TRAVERSAL AND EXPLORATION: AIR STEERING
Not everything was a hard-won lesson in the development of Tomb Raider. Air steering was a decision made early on that turned out to be a gem. It ultimately gave the player a feeling of agency and again aided in synchronizing the player to Lara. This time, however, it was Lara synchronizing to the player’s actions rather than vice versa, as she would adapt to movements and adjustments mid-air.

TRAVERSAL AND EXPLORATION: FAST TRAVEL & COLLECTIBLES
Collectables are great for encouraging fans to explore every inch of a world, as well as giving them a benchmark for success against peers. In Tomb Raider incentivizing those collectibles was easy enough – creating sets of items begged for completion, and displaying the full catalog of collectibles from the start motivated players further. The method of allowing retraversal to find these collectibles, however, proved difficult. Environmental destruction prevented linear backtracking to nab missing collectibles in several key areas.

The team decided to implement a base camp system, which would allow the player to fast travel backwards to anywhere they had previously rested. This created a conundrum, though. Fast traveling away during a key plot point would disconnect the player from Lara’s current plight, but upgrading tools or skills could be crucial to progression in the narrative. Two types of camps were needed as a result. Day camps are slightly less permanent looking, and allow for upgrading weapons and unlocking skills, but not fast traveling. Base camps on the other hand give Lara the chance to take a break, explore, and deviate from the narrative.

The above are only a handful of gameplay considerations that encourage emotional synchronization in Tomb Raider. Achieving this alignment isn’t easy, as systems need to be finely tuned with an engaging story and reward mechanics to ensure they’re not working against each other. As Jonathan illustrated, the team spent an incredible amount of time iterating on design based upon playtest feedback so to ensure the player felt one with Lara, not at odds with her.

Reblogged from tombraider

Apr
10

Warrior Wonder Woman WIP Warrior Wonder Woman WIP Warrior Wonder Woman WIP Steampunk Lara Croft WIP Steampunk Lara Croft WIP (With special appearance by Donut the cat) Steampunk Lara Croft WIP Princess Mononoke WIP Princess Mononoke WIP Princess Mononoke WIP

Why Do I Cosplay? Let Me Count The Ways… 

The past couple of weeks have run the gamut from disheartening to encouraging, but predominantly enlightening. I’ve learned lessons about others, about myself, and about the industry and hobby I pour my heart into. I feel that I’m a stronger individual and professional coming out the other side.

Despite the turbulence, I’m incredibly happy with the caliber of discussions that ignited from my blog, as visibility is important to facilitating change in both the game industry and the enthusiast cosplay community. That being said, after a few initial bullet points the game industry aspect of my original post isn’t at the heart of what I’d like to tackle today. 

[BUT FIRST…]
I’d like to quickly get a few follow-ups out of the way:

  • I am not a model. I am also not a professional cosplayer. I am a Community & Communications Manager at a game studio, and prior to that an Associate Editor at Game Informer magazine. I’ve worked in the game industry since graduating from the University of Minnesota with a degree in Graphic Design and a minor in Journalism & Mass Communications. Cosplay is a passion, not an occupation. And while I love the collaborative and creative nature of modeling, I’ve made it clear that I’m not interested in making money or a name for myself in that particular industry. My heart is, and will always be, in gaming.
  • On a related note, some of the backlash from my blog was due to an accusation that speaking out was a ploy to further my “cosplay or modeling career.” I can’t prevent this line of thinking from individuals who judge my worth exclusively upon a photo they pick that speaks to their agenda. In reality however, I have a personal policy against monetizing my cosplay endeavors, or imparting a competitive component to my hobby. Selling photos or charging for appearances could help recoup some of the massive costs associated with constructing costumes, but I fear that incentivizing cosplay with money could detract from the real reason I do what I do. I don’t take any issue with those who make money from their passion projects, but it’s not an approach I personally take.
  • Yes, I’ve openly admitted that cosplaying may to a degree adversely influence my professional career in the game industry. Happily, most professionals I meet enjoy that I cosplay, as it is often seen as an external representation of my fandom and passion for the gaming culture. Others find it harder to take me seriously when a Google search reveals my costumed capers. That being said, I made a conscious decision years ago to continue cosplaying, as it would be disingenuous to who I am to stop. I’ve written more in-depth about this decision here.
  • In regards to the unfortunately common “stop playing sexy dress up time if you want men to treat you as a person” line of thinking, I fundamentally disagree with this perspective. How one dresses shouldn’t determine the degree of dignity and respect you impart on them. Period. That being said, I want to clarify that I don’t often mix my career and cosplay. All the aforementioned instances of harassment from my blog took place at professional game industry events, where I dress in a professional manner. So to those who implied that my bare midriff inspired the CEO to express his interest in impregnating me - it was covered. I don’t make a habit of wearing risque clothing to work. But even if I had made a decision to show a bit of skin, the comment wouldn’t have been more deserved, or less repugnant.

The above line of thinking directly ties into the root of this blog, which is a means of rebutting one of the most common sentiments expressed in response to my original post. Ready for it?

Cosplayers dress up for the singular purpose of attracting and satisfying the male gaze.

There seems to be an impression from those external to the cosplay community that the hobby is sexual at its core. Can cosplay be sexy? Absolutely. To assume that sexy is the endgame for all who participate, though, is very misguided. Drilling deeper, the belief I’m seeing echoed is that we craft costumes with the ultimate goal of being objectified by male strangers. This line of thinking is reductive in the most basic sense, as it boils the pool of participants down to heterosexual females or homosexual men. In reality the motivations for cosplaying are as diverse as cosplayers themselves.

[WHY I COSPLAY]
I cosplay for many reasons, none of which are to attract sexual attention. So what motivates me to dress as fictional characters for fun? 

  1. I’m a Fan. I love video games. I adore comics. I’m getting drawn deeper into the world of anime and manga on a daily basis. I live in reality. I want to play in worlds where airships exist and magic is real and superheroes take to the sky to save the day. Game developers and comic publishers give me this opportunity. They create incredible playgrounds in which I can let my imagination run wild. The triumphs, tribulations, weaknesses and strengths of their characters turn a mirror to myself and inspire me to be a better person. Specific to video games, I think our industry is a convergent type of entertainment that litterally has the ability to change the world. With this in mind it’s no wonder that their work stirs something inside me. It’s no surprise I want to pay tribute to their creativity. Stepping into the shoes of a character I admire is empowering. It’s an incredible feeling to manifest fantasy into reality. This fandom is also why I run Game Informer’s Cosblog and Croft Couture. I want to celebrate the work of others as much as I want to participate. Cosplayers make my world a more vivid, colorful, and fantastical place. I expect many of my peers feel the same. 
  2. I’m Creative. If I’m behind a desk for too long I’ll start to get antsy. I need to keep my artistic tank from running low or I go nutty. Sometimes I draw or paint. Sometimes I take photographs. Sometimes I weld. Sometimes I make jewelry. Sometimes I model. Sometimes I customize toys. Most of the time, however, I make costumes. Why? Because much like gaming is the convergence of so many entertainment mediums, cosplay is the convergence of so many artistic mediums. Those who imply cosplay is merely about attention look at the hobby as a destination, and not a journey. I’ve highlighted a few of my creative triumphs in the photos above. Though cosplay I’ve learned to make armor from thermoplastics. I’ve tackled leatherworking by cutting, dying, stamping, and finishing raw animal hides. I’ve experimented with wig styling and special effects makeup. I’ve leveled up my meager sewing skills. I’ve worked with foam and wood and metal and even carbon fiber. I’ve dyed fabric and distressed props and nearly perfected my battle damage techniques. That being said, I still have so much to learn. I want to try vacuum forming. I want to successfully cast objects from a custom mold. I want to try out 3D printing and finally master sewing a freaking zipper on straight. By constructing costumes I’ve expanded my artistic horizons further than I could have ever imagined. The creativity and craft applications in cosplay are only limited by your imagination, and I’m nowhere near tapping out.
  3. I’m social. Not surprising considering my current vocation, right? Cosplay allows me to be social on multiple fronts. I enjoy collaborating on costumes with friends and taking lessons from artisans in order to improve my craft. I love meeting up with cosplayers from across the world as we converge on the same city for a convention. And I love chatting with fellow fans on the show floor about our shared interests. That’s what’s so great about cosplay. You are literally wearing your fandom on your sleeve. Cosplay is an instant icebreaker. Mutual adoration of a character or a franchise gives you something in common with people you’ve never even met. I’ve made incredibly fulfilling friendships through chance encounters while in costume, and am a better person for having those individuals in my life.
  4. I enjoy the attention. Yes, I do appreciate the attention that my cosplay exploits bring, but not in the nefarious way some try to frame it. Attention isn’t the ultimate goal, but rather a really nice windfall. When I invest over a grand and several months of my life in constructing a costume, I swell with pride when others notice my hard work. It makes me feel wonderful to be told that I’ve successfully paid tribute to a universe I love. The attention from franchise fans, fellow cosplayers, and especially creators is incredible. I devolved into fits and giggles more than once when a creator retweeted a piece of my work. When Paul Dini noticed my Lady Two-Face? Died. Notice that sexually charged attention isn’t a motivation for why I cosplay. I understand that it may be a byproduct, and as long as conduct remains respectful I take it in stride. It certainly isn’t a conscious goal on my end though.

[SINCE YOU BROUGHT UP SEXY…] 
In response to my previous blog, I was quizzed repeatedly on how I feel when I do get sexual attention from men or women while in costume. The line of questioning was especially aggressive from those who asserted that I was asking for lewd behavior by dressing a specific way. 

To be totally frank, I didn’t much mind sexual attention when I first started cosplaying eight or so years ago. I was also much younger then, and hadn’t faced some of the challenges I’d later come across in my professional career. I’ve become less comfortable with this sort of attention over the years, and as a result have begun to gravitate towards strong rather than traditionally sexy characters.

I’m fairly certain cosplaying as Mad Moxxi is what turned the tide. Borderlands is one of my favorite games of this generation. Dressing up as Moxxi seemed the perfect tribute to showcase my fandom. Not to mention, the idea of stepping into the stilettos of a psychopath seemed like fun. I modified a bit of Moxxi’s design for modesty sake, commissioned part of the costume, and made the rest. When I debuted the costume at SDCC 2010 I had an absolute blast prancing about in it. However, when my photos were showcased on a popular blog the comment section devolved into a discussion about my breast size in relation to the character. We’re talking over a hundred comments. It felt really gross. I wasn’t a person. I was a specimen.

So while wearing Moxxi was fun, it helped me establish my comfort zone. While I still enjoy leggy ensembles or a v-neck top from time to time, I much prefer badass to suggestive characters. I’d rather be complemented on my craftsmanship than my cleavage. If someone does find something I wear sexy (a totally subjective term, as I’ve been called sexy while dressed as Lady Two-Face) I still expect common decency and respect in our exchanges. If I catch someone stealing a glance, I’m not going to make a fuss. It’s when the scenario becomes degrading and dehumanizing that I take issue, and when I have resolved to take a stand.

Let me be perfectly clear. This isn’t an attack on sexy. I actually appreciate both men and women in this capacity. This is rather my personal cosplay mantra, forged from both my unique personality and life experiences. But just as cosplayers participate in the hobby for a variety of reasons, we all have our own comfort zones. Respect should be the rule, not the exception. I hold this equally true for conservatively dressed fans on a show floor as I do for cosplayers who earn cash taking off costumes via paid websites or burlesque performances. A mutual, mature exchange between consenting adults is fine in my book, as long as the aforementioned respect remains intact. 

[SO WHAT UNITES US?]
So yes, cosplay can be sexy. I feel strongly that “sexy” isn’t the thread that unites us, however. I don’t pretend to speak for all cosplayers, but throughout the years I’ve been made privy to many motivations.

Some consider cosplay little more than a hobby. Others have transformed their passion into a career and make a living off merchandise, commissions, or paid convention appearances. 

Some cosplayers invest thousands and thousands of dollars into their costumes. Others craft outfits out of cardboard. 

Some cosplayers collaborate with groups, each playing to their strengths and achieving incredible results. Other prefer to work alone, fabricating every part of their ensembles.

Some cosplayers dress up for the love of the character. Others dress up for the challenge of the costume.

Some cosplayers take on personas that echo their own. Others use dressing up as a chance to step into the role of a polar opposite. 

Some cosplayers won’t leave the hotel unless they are covered head to toe. Other cosplayers show skin whenever possible. 

So what unites us? In the eight years I’ve spent a part of this community, I’ve found that passion, fandom, and courage are the bonds we share.

Ultimately, the above illustrates my primary objective in writing this blog. Cosplayers are complex. People are complex. While I understand that snap judgments come to us unsolicited at times, what marks you as a better person is making the choice not to act on them. To treat individuals as just that. If you decide to dismiss an entire fandom based on misguided notions like the above, you’re the one poorer for it.  

Mar
26

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

[Update 3/28]

I apologize in advance for the vulgar language.

Yesterday a lot of the fears that kept me from speaking out for so long were realized. Although the general response to my words was overwhelmingly positive, I was and still am being called a stupid bitch, a cunt, and “all that is wrong with womankind.” I’ve been insulted, misrepresented, and threatened.

I’m not going to lie. It hurts. But I stand by the content of my blog, and the primary message of empowerment behind it. The private messages from both men and women relaying that my words have helped them gather courage to stand up for themselves makes it absolutely worthwhile. The best part is that I’ll be going on the journey with them. Standing up (for myself) is new to me, too.

I’d like to address a few common questions, though. Firstly, I didn’t name the outlet because I’ve found recently that a few individuals championing a good cause can rapidly spin out of control into an angry mob, to a point that it seems acceptable to threaten physical harm against others. This isn’t acceptable and is counterproductive to the positive message. Therefore, as the situation was already dealt with by PAX, I left it anonymous, and instead focused on the bigger issue of harassment and sexism in the game industry and cosplay culture.

That being said, the website in question has made a point to out themselves and accuse me of using this blog as a platform to promote my “modeling career” and make several other unflattering insinuations in now-deleted comments. If you happen upon the conversation, which I’m still not going to link to, I ask that you please remain mature about your viewpoints even if others are not.

Reading said comments, the most common argument I’m hearing in defense of the outlet’s behavior is that it was intended as a joke. I get that it was intended to be a joke, but I don’t think it was funny, or appropriate, especially considering how young some of the cosplayers were. To be honest, I wouldn’t have taken the issue to PAX if the press member had apologized after I told him it was rude and unprofessional. What caused me to take it to PAX was the subsequent comments, especially the “they are dressed sexy, so they are asking for it” line. I see that as a very dangerous way of thinking for a professional to hold at a convention.

As for if all of the girls were uncomfortable, I can’t speak for each and every one of them. I apologized to the group several times for not knowing the angle of the interview, and they accepted my apology. I did, however, have two of the cosplayers contact me personally and thank me for standing up for them after what they deemed as inappropriate behavior, because they wouldn’t have done it themselves. One also wrote about the experience in this story. In a moment of self-doubt, I also asked the crowd around me who had watched the scene unfold if I’d acted out of line, as by the end of our back and forth I was outwardly angry at the press member. Four to five people in earshot agreed that he was incredibly disrespectful, especially with his latter comments. At least three individuals brought me their cameras in an unsolicited response, pulling up photos they took to help me identify him.

Either way, if you agree or disagree that the punishment was fitting for the comment, I want to stress that this blog was about more than the incident at PAX. Yes, in the full spectrum of harassment, the initial “joke” (but not the following comments) registers fairly low on the scale. The PAX encounter was a catalyst to a discussion about a bigger issue, however. This is a problem in our industry. This is something that needs to be addressed. I’ve not even detailed the worst encounters (which turned physical) that I’ve come across below. And I’m just one woman. So the crux of this blog was to draw attention to a very real problem, and to do so with a positive message of standing up for one’s self.

A few smaller points:

  • I honestly can’t see how the photo to the right of this blog is sexually suggestive or undermines my message. I find this line of thinking really unfortunate. That being said, if you’re one of the individuals calling out my cosplay or old modeling shots as a means to try and discredit my voice, I can’t help but feel that your mind has already been made. Fighting to change that opinion seems futile if my words have not resonated already.
  • To all you awesome men in the industry, please don’t feel the need to apologize for the actions of others in your gender. Part of this blog was to bring to light that I want to be treated like a unique individual, and not just have it assumed that all women are comfortable with the same sets of behavior. You’ve got nothing to apologize for if you’ve done nothing wrong.

Thanks for listening, all.

[Original Blog] 

As many of my female peers are doing at the moment, I’m reading a book by Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg called Lean In. The first chapter asks: What would you do if you weren’t afraid? 

My answer? I’d write this blog.

Hello. My name is Meagan Marie, and I’m a person. I’ve decided I’m going to start standing up for myself in order to be more frequently treated like one.

Something transpired at PAX this weekend that was a true eye opener. While hosting a Tomb Raider cosplay gathering, comprised of eight or so incredibly nice and talented young women, a member of the press asked if he could grab a quick interview. I said he’d need to ask them, not me, and they agreed. He squeezed into the group and posed a question. I couldn’t hear what he said over the hubbub of the show floor, but the confused and uncomfortable looks from the ladies indicated that it wasn’t what they expected, to say the least.

I moved in closer and inquired “Excuse me, what did you ask?” with a forced smile on my face, so to give him the benefit of the doubt. He laughed and didn’t respond, moving a few steps away as I repeated the question to the group of women. Turns out he’d probed what it felt like “knowing that none of the men in this room could please them in bed.” Yes, I’m aware it’s a poor adaptation of a gag told by a certain puppet dog with an affinity for insults. Lack of originally doesn’t excuse this behavior, however.

My anger flared upon hearing this, and for a moment I almost let it get the best of me. I attempted to calm myself down before walking towards him and the cameraman, and expressing that it was rude and unprofessional to assume that these young women were comfortable discussing sexual matters on camera. I intended to leave the conversation at that, but his subsequent response escalated matters quickly and clearly illustrated that this ran much deeper than a poor attempt at humor. He proceeded to tell me that “I was one of those oversensitive feminists” and that “the girls were dressing sexy, so they were asking for it.” Yes, he pulled the “cosplay is consent” card.

At this point, as he snaked off into the crowd muttering angrily at me, I was livid. Actually shaking a bit. It was inexcusable in my mind to treat the group of women in this manner, especially when I gathered them there to participate in an official capacity. I suppose I felt protective for this reason. As if I’d exposed them to an undesirable element of the convention. They united to celebrate their fandom, only to have an uncomfortable and unprofessional moment captured on film.

As I stated publicly this weekend, we escalated the issue to PAX and they responded with overwhelming concern and worked to ensure he wouldn’t bother anyone at the this or future PAX events. They handled the situation with flying colors.

But this encounter isn’t the crux of my blog. This blog is about what I came to realize as a result of the press member’s actions. And what I realized is this: When it comes to defending others, I’m fierce. I’m assertive. And I will hold my ground. One of the cosplayers tweeted me to praise my bravery and say they wish they had the courage to stand up too. The truth is my bravery doesn’t run that deep. When it comes to defending myself I’m a rug that is walked over repeatedly. This has to stop.

Similar behavior has been directed at me for years. Back in 2007 at my very first GDC, I was starry-eyed and overwhelmed to be in the midst of so many people I idolized. So when a drunken CEO of a then-startup pointed to my midsection and said “I want to have my babies in there,” I laughed. I did the same next year when another developer told me that he “didn’t recognize me with my clothes on” after meeting me the night prior at a formal event (to which I wore a cocktail dress). The trend continued for years, and I took it silently each and every time.

It got so bad that one of my Game Informer coworkers had to sit me down and convince me to file a complaint against a massive publisher, after one of their PR leads repeatedly commented about how much he “loved my tits” at a party. Each time I laughed it off and internalized my embarrassment, cementing a fixed smile on my face while fighting back tears. Why? Because I was afraid to rock the boat. I was afraid to perpetuate rumors that I was uptight, difficult, or had no sense of humor. I was afraid of what I’d heard being said about other women being said about me. So I would stick up for others, but never for myself. Sticking up for others was the right thing to do. I had to be careful not to stick my neck out too far, though.

I’m ashamed to admit my lack of courage has continued to this day. While on a press tour in Europe late last year I sat alone with an interviewer while he set up his camera. PR was talking to another member of the press just out of earshot. I asked the journalist what his readers would like to know about me first, per the introduction he outlined earlier. He responded nonchalantly, “Well, they’d really like to see you naked.” I was so shocked I didn’t even register what he said, and I defaulted to my uncomfortable chuckle and frozen smile. I conducted the interview as if nothing had happened. I should have walked out of the room then and there. I should have immediately reported it to PR. But I didn’t, because I was afraid.

And while these industry comments hurt the most, as they often do when coming from peers, I’ve got hope for change even if it is motivated by fear. In a social economy where one unprofessional tweet can ruin a career, I feel like the few unsavory industry personalities are becoming more aware of their words. My line in the sand doesn’t end there, though. I’m going to start holding commenters accountable for their actions too, even if I can only do so on my social spaces.

So here is the deal. I’m a person. I’m not just a “girl on the internet.” I am not comfortable with you remarking on my breasts. I am not comfortable with you implying that you’d like to have sex with me. And I don’t appreciate you rating my looks against my girlfriends in candid photos.

While I can’t stop these comments and questions from arising when they pop up on random blogs across the web, I can stand up and say that that I won’t accept being talked to in this manner anymore. I’m not simply going to ignore you; I’m going to call you out and tell you that you’re being inappropriate. Just because I have a public job and an equally public hobby doesn’t give you the right to ignore my comfort zone.

The situation this weekend at PAX made me question why I’m willing to stand up for others, but not myself. By allowing myself to be treated this way I’m perpetuating that this behavior is acceptable. And it isn’t. If I continue to stand by silently, I might as well sit on the sidelines and watch while other young women endure what I have.

The treatment and representation of women in gaming has come to a head this past year, and I know some of you are tired of hearing about it. I’m tired of living it. I want to feel safe and valued as a member of this industry, whether I’m conducting an interview, talking to fans on a convention floor, or cosplaying. And I have a right to that.

I’m not afraid anymore. I’m angry.

[For those of you who have been so supportive these past years, both in the industry and out, please know this blog isn’t directed at you. I can’t imagine dedicating my life to anything other than video games. And that’s why I’m going to fight my hardest to leave it a better place.]

Mar
08

My submission to the Gathering Courage campaign. It may not be easy to read, but I hope it illustrates that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for those of you who find yourself in a similar situation.  COURAGE & HEALING I’ve never been in an accident. I’ve never been traumatically injured. I’ve never even been severely sick. I had Mono once, and it wasn’t fun, but in the full spectrum of human suffering it rates at laughable. I was born to an incredibly loving family and wanted little growing up. I excelled in school and had great friends. My upbringing wasn’t without some turbulence, but overall I had a charmed Midwestern childhood. Still, despite my personal good fortune, I consider myself a survivor. Grief is uncomfortable to talk about, especially for those who haven’t experienced loss. That being said, we all will someday. Death is the great equalizer. To not know grief is to not live life. To not make connections. To not forge bonds. This simple truth gives me the courage to open up. Most of us understand the fragility of life to one degree or another. Some of us also sadly understand “the sharp knife of a short life,” as The Band Perry puts it. I grew up in a family of five, sandwiched between an older and younger brother. Five is an odd number, literally and figuratively. Car travel was always a tad uncomfortable, with three budding teens squished in the back seat. A fifth wheel was required to venture alone on amusement park rides. Someone was routinely stuck in a ridged chair at the end of a booth for dinner. We were a family of five, until I received the phone call no one ever wants to get. We were now a family of four. My little brother Justin – who I had the good fortune of loving without limits – was blinked out of reality by a car while skateboarding. It’s incredible how your world can change without so much as a cursory warning. In my state of shock the phrase “does not compute” seems fitting. My mom, dad, Justin, and Chris were my everything. For the sixteen years of Justin’s life this had been my reality. The world as I knew it came crashing down. My goals, priorities, views - everything needed to be reevaluated in a period of time where I couldn’t even get my brain to accept what had happened. Instead of crying I offered everyone coffee at the hospital. I called my work and tried to help them fill my shifts. I told family and friends “it will be okay.” Shock was a welcome companion for the rest of the night. Then someone drove me to my family home, I don’t even remember who, and the tears came in a torrent. I remember asking my dad the next morning “How do people survive this?” He answered with a painfully honest “I don’t know.” Neither did I. I slept. I watched the entire five-season run of Alias before revisiting Buffy. I went to therapy. I went on anti-depressants. I abused my doctor’s note to skip college classes. I ignored phone calls. I lost all sense of passion and enjoyment. The flame inside that once had me striving for greatness burned dimmer and dimmer until it threatened to extinguish. I have no concept of how long I was in this blackness. Years, easily. Time didn’t matter much. I did the bare minimum that was required of me to stay in school, to emotionally support my family, and to satisfy the concerned and watchful eyes of friends. All the while I started to wonder if you could actually die from a broken heart. I didn’t want to die, though. I just wanted to sleep. Eventually, with time, the blackness lessened. Years passed. Shades of grey entered my life again. Then muted colors. Eight years later, despite the sadness that is always one memory away, my life feels vivid again. Sometimes gathering courage doesn’t require a public act of bravery or celebrated feat of human triumph. Sometimes it means little more than recognizing you need help. Continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Taking things one day at a time. Sometimes it takes courage to push through the guilt and remember that it is okay to smile, to laugh, and to love. For me, courage meant taking that pain and focusing it. It meant not giving up. It meant making the most of the life I’ve been given, and doing so in a manner that would make Justin proud. I now live each day to the fullest and take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I will not look back on my life with regret. It has taken years, but I feel stronger and braver today than I’ve ever felt before. I’ve not just survived, I’ve thrived. Thank you for this incredible gift, Justin.

My submission to the Gathering Courage campaign. It may not be easy to read, but I hope it illustrates that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for those of you who find yourself in a similar situation. 

COURAGE & HEALING

I’ve never been in an accident. I’ve never been traumatically injured. I’ve never even been severely sick. I had Mono once, and it wasn’t fun, but in the full spectrum of human suffering it rates at laughable. I was born to an incredibly loving family and wanted little growing up. I excelled in school and had great friends. My upbringing wasn’t without some turbulence, but overall I had a charmed Midwestern childhood. Still, despite my personal good fortune, I consider myself a survivor.

Grief is uncomfortable to talk about, especially for those who haven’t experienced loss. That being said, we all will someday. Death is the great equalizer. To not know grief is to not live life. To not make connections. To not forge bonds. This simple truth gives me the courage to open up. Most of us understand the fragility of life to one degree or another. Some of us also sadly understand “the sharp knife of a short life,” as The Band Perry puts it.

I grew up in a family of five, sandwiched between an older and younger brother. Five is an odd number, literally and figuratively. Car travel was always a tad uncomfortable, with three budding teens squished in the back seat. A fifth wheel was required to venture alone on amusement park rides. Someone was routinely stuck in a ridged chair at the end of a booth for dinner.

We were a family of five, until I received the phone call no one ever wants to get. We were now a family of four. My little brother Justin – who I had the good fortune of loving without limits – was blinked out of reality by a car while skateboarding. It’s incredible how your world can change without so much as a cursory warning.

In my state of shock the phrase “does not compute” seems fitting. My mom, dad, Justin, and Chris were my everything. For the sixteen years of Justin’s life this had been my reality. The world as I knew it came crashing down. My goals, priorities, views - everything needed to be reevaluated in a period of time where I couldn’t even get my brain to accept what had happened. Instead of crying I offered everyone coffee at the hospital. I called my work and tried to help them fill my shifts. I told family and friends “it will be okay.” Shock was a welcome companion for the rest of the night. Then someone drove me to my family home, I don’t even remember who, and the tears came in a torrent.

I remember asking my dad the next morning “How do people survive this?” He answered with a painfully honest “I don’t know.” Neither did I. I slept. I watched the entire five-season run of Alias before revisiting Buffy. I went to therapy. I went on anti-depressants. I abused my doctor’s note to skip college classes. I ignored phone calls. I lost all sense of passion and enjoyment. The flame inside that once had me striving for greatness burned dimmer and dimmer until it threatened to extinguish.

I have no concept of how long I was in this blackness. Years, easily. Time didn’t matter much. I did the bare minimum that was required of me to stay in school, to emotionally support my family, and to satisfy the concerned and watchful eyes of friends. All the while I started to wonder if you could actually die from a broken heart. I didn’t want to die, though. I just wanted to sleep.

Eventually, with time, the blackness lessened. Years passed. Shades of grey entered my life again. Then muted colors. Eight years later, despite the sadness that is always one memory away, my life feels vivid again.

Sometimes gathering courage doesn’t require a public act of bravery or celebrated feat of human triumph. Sometimes it means little more than recognizing you need help. Continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Taking things one day at a time.

Sometimes it takes courage to push through the guilt and remember that it is okay to smile, to laugh, and to love. For me, courage meant taking that pain and focusing it. It meant not giving up. It meant making the most of the life I’ve been given, and doing so in a manner that would make Justin proud. I now live each day to the fullest and take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I will not look back on my life with regret.

It has taken years, but I feel stronger and braver today than I’ve ever felt before. I’ve not just survived, I’ve thrived.

Thank you for this incredible gift, Justin.

I’m really proud of this initiative we’re running. Please share and support!  tombraider: Introducing Gathering Courage We’ve gone on record expressing that Tomb Raider was heavily inspired by the courageous actions of very real people who persevered when thrust into extraordinary situations. These people showed us what true courage looks like. To continue the trend of inspiration we’re collecting stories of survival and overcoming obstacles to create a “courage database.” Just like the human experience, courage comes in many forms. Featured Gathering Courage stories include that of Demetrious Johnson, who survived an abusive childhood and funneled his energy into becoming a UFC champion. Shane B of the popular Tumblr blog “Laughing at my Nightmare” weighs in on living his entire life with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Other stories dive into finding one’s voice, moving on after a fire, and courage through grief. Ultimately though, these stories are about accomplishment, perseverance, strength, integrity, leadership, resourcefulness, and sacrifice. Lara’s instincts, emotions, and brave spirit are a direct reflection of stories like these – your stories. We encourage you to submit your own story to our courage database, and to share, reblog, and like those of others. Every action counts towards us reaching our goal of donating $10,000 to Feeding America. gathering-courage: TOMB RAIDER IS GATHERING TALES OF COURAGESUBMIT YOUR STORY AND HELP DONATE $10,000 TO FEEDING AMERICATo celebrate the release of Tomb Raider, we are gathering stories of courage to raise $10,000 for Feeding America®. Submit a story, a photo, or a video and you will move us closer to achieving greatness. Click here to submit your story.

I’m really proud of this initiative we’re running. Please share and support! 

tombraider:

Introducing Gathering Courage 

We’ve gone on record expressing that Tomb Raider was heavily inspired by the courageous actions of very real people who persevered when thrust into extraordinary situations. These people showed us what true courage looks like. To continue the trend of inspiration we’re collecting stories of survival and overcoming obstacles to create a “courage database.” 

Just like the human experience, courage comes in many forms. Featured Gathering Courage stories include that of Demetrious Johnson, who survived an abusive childhood and funneled his energy into becoming a UFC champion. Shane B of the popular Tumblr blog “Laughing at my Nightmare” weighs in on living his entire life with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Other stories dive into finding one’s voice, moving on after a fire, and courage through grief. Ultimately though, these stories are about accomplishment, perseverance, strength, integrity, leadership, resourcefulness, and sacrifice. 

Lara’s instincts, emotions, and brave spirit are a direct reflection of stories like these – your stories. We encourage you to submit your own story to our courage database, and to share, reblog, and like those of others. Every action counts towards us reaching our goal of donating $10,000 to Feeding America.

gathering-courage:

TOMB RAIDER IS GATHERING TALES OF COURAGE
SUBMIT YOUR STORY AND HELP DONATE $10,000 TO FEEDING AMERICA

To celebrate the release of Tomb Raider, we are gathering stories of courage to raise $10,000 for Feeding America®. Submit a story, a photo, or a video and you will move us closer to achieving greatness.

Click here to submit your story.

Source gatheringcourage.com

Reblogged from gathering-courage